1. |
Groundhog Day
08:08
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“Groundhog Day”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: February 2nd-23rd
Where’d you run off to? This life was so simple back then. These picture frames paint us a scene of when we did not pretend. These photo albums have depleted. They’ve long stopped adorning these walls. I blame myself for my surprise when you got the call. I never thought you could leave me, but the airport is dangerously close. We never got to have our children, or get married at all. You dropped the I from the “I love you”, with our correspondence growing thin. This ending was so poorly written. Can we start this again?
Please hear me out. Here’s my final stand. I’ll retrace my footsteps until I’m a new man. If I should fail, we’ll start after rest. It goes over and over until I can’t draw on my breath.
Your new job is treating you well. You’re happy, from what I have heard. We’ve not spoken in several weeks. I guess there are no words? I’m writing down words for this memoir. I will try to be as kind as I can. I have not gotten to our ending. I guess I’m hoping this end will just end. Can this please just end…?
Why does it feel like betrayal every time I wish I could hate you? Why does it feel like betrayal every time I want to forget you? I met a girl at the car wash. I’ve seen her around once or twice. She might’ve been part of your circle? Just you had my eyes (so I cannot say for certain). I hear you are dating in New York. This small town could never suffice. I guess we are doing our own thing, but I’ll keep you in mind.
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2. |
3/20
03:27
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“3/20”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: March 20th
It was spring today when I woke up. You know just what that means: There is love in the air. Let me set, for you, the scene: This boy had the most gorgeous eyes and an impossible smile. We’ve been hand-in-hand for weeks. I hope this lasts a while…
Let me take you to the chapel… (I guess I’ll keep that to myself… oh god, I need some help).
It was spring today when I woke up. You know just what that means: The sun is shining on us all. I guess I’ll finally come clean: This boy has commandeered my mind. Goodbye, world left behind. I do not miss that little town. My home is where you’re found.
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3. |
Showers
04:20
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“Showers”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: April 8th
Dearly departed,
Your visage echoes in my mind, as the rain falls on this town you left behind. I see your ghost where we would go… where you left me all alone. All this weather seems to do is keep me tangled up in you. I refuse to sleep alone. You should know this to be true… I learned it all from you. There’s new blood in our old home. Can this last? I never know. But she looks at me and my old feelings cease to be.
…and you seem to wash away with the rain.
It’s been raining here for days. Even if I build an ark, will my world float away? But your memory leaves my brain, like this life you gave away. When she looks at me from the next room, it’s clear to me that you seem to wash away with the rain.
… and you seem to wash away with the rain.
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4. |
Bloom
02:24
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“Bloom”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: May 23rd
As I walk down my block to the park where I met you for our three month anniversary, it’s clear you mean the world to me. I’m nervous as hell, though I have no reason in the world to be. It’s all for you. I’ll wear my best clothes. I’ll put on the best fragrance that I own. Like the flowers in bloom, let me show my best to you. As I walk in the park, I can see you are where I knew you’d be: at my favorite bench waiting for company. It’s a perfect day. I think this is where I’ll stay. There is nowhere in the world I would rather be. Let your eyes tell you true, all you see is all for you.
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5. |
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“Sotto Voce I: Umbrellas for the Sun”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: June 28th
Wake up.
Every morning I find myself met with these same walls, this same town, these same people. I imagine what you might be doing. Off on some adventure in the big city. Finding new love. New purpose. The memoir is coming along nicely. No idea if these musings will make it into the final product. I suppose I’m just gathering evidence of my existence. Painting these portraits of solitude for an audience of one, to populate an art gallery that doesn’t exist, and that no one would visit.
I wasn’t always this way. We… were not always this way. I remember that vacation we took to Phoenix. The summer heat belting down on those wide city streets. We saw tourists from overseas carrying umbrellas for the sun. We laughed, but they were the smartest people in the room. As we walked to every interesting landmark and shop that caught our attention, I kept noticing the unmistakable twinkle in your eye. The call of something more than the small town we inhabited, and the mundane existence it demanded. I guess I should have known, even then.
Well, even with the strangers who come and go, you occupy my mind. I suppose I’ve become the the embodiment of our motto:
Loved you then.
Love you still.
Always have.
Always will.
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6. |
Fireworks
03:49
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“Fireworks”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: July 3rd
Look at us go! Nothing can stop us… or so I thought. There’s no shame in your lack of passion, nor discretion in my absence, but I cannot let it go. These fireworks collide in the sky. They illuminate your face. I know we are on borrowed time, and my heart begins to break. Where did you go? Where’d you run off to, or is it me? There’s a malfunction in this plan. Those days we spent locked hand-in-hand are memories. The end is written on our walls, but I’ll still enjoy tonight, my love. The end is written on your face, but I’ll still love every embrace.
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7. |
Midsummer Radio
06:19
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“Midsummer Radio”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: August 9th
I heard our song today, on the station that would play our favorite tunes. I tried to pretend not to notice, but you can’t take it away from me. The memories come in spades. The queen of hearts took her namesake and hit the road. The king should destroy old traditions, but you can’t take it away. I’ll defy you. You lost your power when you ran away. This pain is mine, and mine alone.
I saw your mom today. She looks at me with a sympathetic stare. I thought to ignore her attention, but you can’t take it away from me. I hate this whole charade where I pretend my days don’t start and end with you. Perhaps I should move on to something new, but you can’t take it away. I’ll defy you. You lost your power when you wouldn’t stay. This pain is mine, and mine alone.
I saw our spot today, between the trees in the woods not far from our home. I thought to erase our initials, but you can’t take it away from me. The memories hurt today. More and more, I find my mind still turns to you. Perhaps I should move to transition, but you can’t take it away. I’ll defy you. You lost your power when you quit the play. This pain is mine, and mine alone.
I heard our song today, on the station that would play our favorite tunes. I sang along to every word like you were still beside me, because you can’t take it away. I’ll defy you. You lost your power when you left the state. This pain is mine, and mine alone.
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8. |
Labor
04:16
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“Labor”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: September 6th
“Why do things degrade?” is a question I ask over and over with no response. Can you hear me, love? Why do you speak senseless? So selfish in comfort, your complacency will be the death of me.
Hit me with your desperate plea, “We can work at this forever”.
But, why bother if this is meant to end?
Why do you evade all the questions I ask over and over. You liar, you’ve never seen me once. You stare blankly through me. So empty of beauty those eyes have become. Take me to the edge of the mountain. Scare me completely, I need to feel something. Take me to the mouth of a lion. Cut me so deeply. I need you to see me bleed. Make me feel anything. Anything at all. Is that too much to ask, “my love”?
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9. |
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“Sotto Voce II: Honest Autumn”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: October 18th
It was two weeks shy of Halloween when we lost the only thing that was keeping us afloat. The captain abandoned the boat. But I pushed you to the sea long before it came to be. I’d say I tried my best, but who knows anymore? But I couldn’t deal with all the pressure of being the man that you deserved. I checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to find my spot between the trees, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me. There’s a silence in our home where I’ve learned to sleep alone. Sure, I get mine, but it’s empty all the time. I remember trying to be better, working through the pain I felt when we lost all we hoped for. But they said “you have a baby growing.” They all said “you’re glowing.” I should’ve seen this end. Our luck was too damn good. I couldn’t deal with losing Jacob just a month before he was due. I checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to write these lines of memories, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me. There’s a ghost in our old home. She is free to come and go. I wish I could be haunted by our son that left us both behind. I remember the grief we felt together, the slipping of our fingers, our feelings could not linger. We grew numb in this old place, never meeting face-to-face. Never shedding of our pain, we fell away. I couldn’t deal the truth that it was too late to save you. No, you checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to right (or write?) these wrongs that made you leave, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me.
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10. |
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“Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: November 25th
Alone, for the first time since last winter. The parade passes by my bedroom window. I could look outside and see it from above, but the TV is the best seat in the house. I never wanted this to happen, but circumstances left us without many options. We do what we must to survive, but it’s not always beautiful (as you). I can’t see a path to become who I want. If I entertain this question, will I lose myself before too long? I keep moving in reverse. Slow motion, to you. At home writing you a letter. Do I explain myself, or ask you how you’re doing? My mother said she saw you weeks ago. You looked sad, but she gave you a smile. She hopes you get yours back.
“Do we have a future together, or did I fumble? Did I stumble with you?”
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11. |
Connecting Flights
03:22
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“Connecting Flights”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: December 4th
I took the next plane out when your letter hit my mailbox. Debated with myself for half a minute… I can’t say “no” to you. Only you could drag me out of this comfort zone I’ve crafted. Get me to this new land, hope in hand and pride upon my chest. I’m in the air, searching and scanning. Wishing and wanting for this to be the last time I hunt you down. I’m in the air, searching for you. If it’s the last thing I do, until my last breath, I’ll see this through. I can’t help but take to the sky in pursuit of you, love. In pursuit of your love. I hailed the next cab out, straight to your return address. I hope this was not all in jest. You know, I can’t say “no” to you. I do not care if this makes me foolish. Without you, I’m useless. I have tried, and failed, to do this on my own. Who knew patience was a virtue? This nightmare ended when you were ready for it. All I had to do was wait for you to get on board. You know I’m all yours.
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12. |
Intro (New Year’s Day)
01:47
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“Intro (New Year’s Day)”
Narrator: Mary Jackson
Date: January 1st
This is my New Year’s resolution, as I wake up next to you: We are endlessly tethered, it seems. I think you feel it too? There’s a fear we can’t unravel, and a pain we couldn’t handle. But this is our revolution. Let us see if we can do it right this time. This is our new beginning. Let’s make a better ending. It’s time to start the mending. Our time is unrelenting.
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Anywhere Welcomes You Greenville, Texas
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