“Sotto Voce II: Honest Autumn”
Narrator: Steve Matthews
Date: October 18th
It was two weeks shy of Halloween when we lost the only thing that was keeping us afloat. The captain abandoned the boat. But I pushed you to the sea long before it came to be. I’d say I tried my best, but who knows anymore? But I couldn’t deal with all the pressure of being the man that you deserved. I checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to find my spot between the trees, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me. There’s a silence in our home where I’ve learned to sleep alone. Sure, I get mine, but it’s empty all the time. I remember trying to be better, working through the pain I felt when we lost all we hoped for. But they said “you have a baby growing.” They all said “you’re glowing.” I should’ve seen this end. Our luck was too damn good. I couldn’t deal with losing Jacob just a month before he was due. I checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to write these lines of memories, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me. There’s a ghost in our old home. She is free to come and go. I wish I could be haunted by our son that left us both behind. I remember the grief we felt together, the slipping of our fingers, our feelings could not linger. We grew numb in this old place, never meeting face-to-face. Never shedding of our pain, we fell away. I couldn’t deal the truth that it was too late to save you. No, you checked out feeling hollow and alone. As I try to right (or write?) these wrongs that made you leave, I may be nothing to you, but you’re still everything to me.
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